My sister-in-law recently gave my wife a guitar. As part of the gift, she went by the local music store and arranged for my wife to get lessons. Whether it’s learning how to play a musical instrument, master a foreign language, achieve peak physical performance, or take a professional career to a new level, working with a mentor — a person whose knowledge, skill, and ability to impart wisdom to others — is a smart thing to do.

Why should the spiritual life be any different?

An old Celtic proverb notes that a “person without a soul-friend is like a body without a head.” The Gaelic word for soul-friend — anam chara — has a meaning similar to that of starets, a Russian Orthodox word that literally means “spiritual father.” The starets and the anam chara are two culturally specific terms that refer to a widespread spiritual practice: of turning to an elder, a guide, a mentor who can provide insight and direction for the life of prayer and communion with God.

Historically, spiritual directors served in a more or less formal role: often as priests or elders in a monastic setting. Meanwhile, the notion of the soul friend suggests another, far less structured relationship: that of companionship offered to one another in a spiritual sense. Nowadays, both of these approaches to spiritual guidance: formal and informal, mentoring and peer-to-peer, can be of value to a person who seeks a more intimate connection with God. For the purposes of this brief introduction, when I speak of spiritual direction I am referring to both kinds of spiritual companionship. Indeed, some spiritual direction relationships may blur the lines between spiritual guidance and spiritual friendship, and that can be just fine. There’s no rigid “right” way to receive (or give) spiritual direction; what’s right is what works for you, in your unique quest for a deeper and more authentic relationship with the Holy One.

A spiritual director is different from the eastern concept of the guru — the master through whom enlightenment is transmitted. A Christian spiritual companion, whether director or friend, understands that any and all spiritual illumination or consolation comes directly from the Holy Spirit. Thus, it is the task of a spiritual director to be as transparent as possible, allowing God to relate directly to the seeker. Spiritual formation and contemplative prayer are not disciplines of spiritual self-aggrandizement; they are techniques for nurturing a relationship with the Divine. In this sense, a spiritual director (even in the mentoring sense) is less of a coach (demanding better performance), and more of a minister or servant: a person who can serve the vulnerable intimacy of a deepening intimacy with the creator.

I do not mean to suggest that a spiritual direction relationship is just a nice, cosy affair. Relating with God means relating with the vast Source of all love, all creativity, all power. It means not only finding ineffable joy, but also facing the difficult truth of our own capacity to resist and distort the flow of love in our lives (what has traditionally been called “sin”). To honestly face both God and our true selves is to embark upon an awe-inspiring and, at times, frightening task. Therefore, a good spiritual director will not only encourage our enthusiasm for the contemplative life, but he or she will also help us to keep from losing heart as we face the challenges of the inner life.

How to find a spiritual director

Spiritual direction is a gift from God. Both lay people and clergy make excellent soul friends; excellent directors can be found among virtually all denominations of Christianity. Some clergy, many nuns and monks, and increasing numbers of lay persons are being trained by various institutions in the art of spiritual guidance; but since the primary qualification for spiritual direction is that a person is him- or herself committed to the life of prayer, many wonderful soul friends or informal mentors may be found among those with little or no training in this area. Just as a self-taught guitarist can sometimes be a better teacher than the graduate from Juilliard, so too the best person to whom you should entrust your spiritual growth may or may not have any credentials as such. All this means is that it is wise to keep an open mind about who might be your director. You may be surprised at the kind of person who makes the “best” soul friend or mentor for you.

To find a spiritual director:

  1. Pray about it. Seek Divine guidance. Trust that God will lead you to the person who is right for you.
  2. Ask close friends you trust, and ask your pastor, for referrals. Often friends and clergy will know about persons who are gifted in the art of sharing the life of prayer.
  3. Look for people who are involved in contemplative ministries (like Contemplative Outreach or Shalem); often such persons will either be spiritual directors themselves, or will be able to make a referral.
  4. See if anyone is available at a local monastery or convent. Often monks and nuns have been trained in the art of direction, and certainly such people are familiar with the life of prayer.
  5. You can also visit the Spiritual Director’s International website for referrals, although I would encourage you to look for someone by word-of-mouth before resorting to a website.

A few do’s and don’ts regarding spiritual direction:

  • Don’t look for a spiritual director unless you are serious about praying daily and meeting regularly (say, once a month) with the director. If you resist such a discipline, a few meetings with a gifted director may help clarify your resistance. Your discipline does not have to be perfect, but your intention ought to be mature, before spiritual direction will be useful to you.
  • Don’t use a spiritual director as a substitute therapist. Whether formally trained or informally gifted, what a spiritual director has to offer you is support for your growth in the life of prayer. Therefore, a director may or may not have skill or training in areas of counseling and psychology. An effective spiritual director will refer you to a therapist if your concerns are more therapeutic than theological. A good rule of thumb: effective therapy helps an individual to find greater personal satisfaction and effectiveness in life; spiritual direction by contrast supports the individual who seeks union with God — an objective which carries no guarantee of “satisfaction” or “effectiveness.”
  • Don’t seek spiritual direction from a spouse, family member, or close friend. You are too close to persons in these categories to truly achieve the level of vulnerability, and willingness to receive sometimes-difficult feedback, that is necessary for a truly wonderful and beneficial direction experience. Unless you live in a small town or rural area where the population is sparse, I’d also recommend finding someone other than the pastor of your church. Ideally, your spiritual director will have no other roles in your life.
  • Do state your expectations and concerns about spirituality up front. Strive to be honest with the director. Remember, the goal here is to nurture your relationship with God; the director is simply there as a resource person. Since spirituality can take so many different forms, so can spiritual direction; if a particular person’s gifts or abilities don’t feel right to you, it is appropriate to look for someone who is a better fit.
  • Do make sure you and the director communicate clearly about basic issues such as the location, frequency and duration of meetings, and any expectations about payment or donations. Many directors give this ministry freely, while others charge a fee per visit. Clarify this point.
  • Do support the director’s other work, if the director is a minister or religious. Make an offering to his or her church or monastery or convent.
  • Do change directors when appropriate (as a courtesy, direction relationships should only end at agreed-upon times, such as the end of six months). Trust your inner wisdom when a director does not seem to work for you, or when it is time to move on. Having said that, it’s also important that, once you decide a person is the right spiritual director for you, to resist any impulse to change directors whenever an inner conflict or sense of resistance emerges. Work with someone long enough to let them go after some of your defenses (lovingly, of course).

For further reading (note that most of these books are written for spiritual directors and are designed to help people engaged in the ministry of spiritual direction to grow as directors):

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